Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
