Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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