So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
