The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
