Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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