U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
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im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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