We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
