It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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