But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
