SEEEEXXX PLEASE
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
