I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
