Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
did you just send me my own nude
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
