I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
