Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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