you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
