don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
