Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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