My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
