I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
