She is in my trunk
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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