she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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