Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
