Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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