her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
