Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
