bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
