you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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