and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
