Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
