The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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