I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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