stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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