i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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