Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
