just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
