Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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