shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
