he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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