if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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