Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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