I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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