the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
