moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
