Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
