Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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