Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
