I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
