i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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