dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he shaved USA in his pubs
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
