i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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