I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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