Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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