My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
