so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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