Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
