Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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